Hate Me If It Feels Good
by kc creation
Summary: Kyo ponders the meaning of the word love, the way it's always used so loosely, and why even he is willing to lie and say he loves someone, when really, he doesn't. oneshot, kyoxharu


A/N: based off of "The Last Song I'm Wasting On You" by _Evanescence._

For _Crystaline-Crimson_ and _flyingdaggers, _another story to add to their ever-growing collection of stories from me to them. (their reviews are always my favorite)

--

**Hate Me If It Feels Good**

_"Sparkling gray through my own veins._

_Anymore than a whisper, and sudden_

_movement in my heart."_

Love is a word you say loosely;

A sickening declaration spewed meaninglessly to one another, to lessen their pain or get into their pants.

They're are so many things I'd like to call you, _bastard_ and _liar_ being only two of the millions in my head.

But _disgusting_ seems to be the the term that sticks on my tounge today. It stays stuck on my lips as you pass, and I have to clench my fists, lest I scream something cruel at you that would blow my cover from behind the trees.

_Disgusting._

_"and I know I'll have to watch them pass away._

_Just get through this day."_

I'm not even sure you see my glare.

The stupid rat's perfect head always seems to get in the way.

Oh, I know he doesn't want you, but I'm pretty sure you don't. No one really _wants_ you, and you're so stupid not to realize it.

And don't expect me to go into one of those old, cliche' rants of how _I'm the only one who **really** loves you_.

Because really, I don't.

I just wish you'd see how much you hurt me back then, when you left me for him.

_Back then,_ I'm saying, as if it was _such_ a long time ago.

_"Give up your way, you could be anything._

_Give up my way, and lose. Not today._

_That's too much guilt to pay."_

I bet if you knew what I was thinking, you'd believe that I _actually_ thought my feelingsmeant something to you. I bet you'd assume I'd dreamt of _'us' _every night since you turned me down.

I hate to say it, but you'd be completely correct.

Lying alone inside a stuffy room, dark curtains flowing gently in the night air. I imagined they were you; that the blankets wrapped around my form were your strong arms. I made myself believe that you loved me, and that my restless fingers, lingering just a little to long on _certain_ parts of my body, were your larger, softer hands.

I'm not going to kill myself over you, don't worry.

I'll just wait until the day this hateful family takes me to the cage, when I'll _finally_ be away from you.

_"Sickened in the sun, you dare tell me you love me._

_But you held me down and screamed you wanted _

_me to die. Honey you know, you know I'd never _

_hurt you that way."_

I think my breaking point, the moment I finally gave up, was the only a short month after you told me you _'didn't feel the same'._

It wasn't you that met myself and our small group of friends in the hallway before school.

No, it wasn't you, at least, not exactly.

You were black; rage, the cause of which I still don't know, drove you to it, and you wouldn't stop until you got a fight out of me.

_"What?!"_ _You had screamed._ _"You've gotta be pissed off at me 'cause I didn't wanna fuck you!"_

You screamed it.

In front of everyone.

But it didn't stop there. You went on and on, yelling things that not even _I_ would have the nerve to repeat. You told me you hated me, and when I still gave you no reaction, you punched me.

As if you thought I could even feel it over the pain your words had caused.

_"You're just so pretty in you pain._

_Give up my way, and I could be anything._

_I'll make my own way without your senseless _

_hate. So run, and **hate me if it feels good.**_

_I can't hear your screams anymore."_

"Kyo." My head snaps up at the sound.

.. Your voice, I must have imagined it.

But my eyes find large, black buckled boots, I know it's not my vivid imagination. Whatever you've come over for is far less than important to me, but I'll listen. I'll hear you out, about how you've most likely _finally_ gotten Yuki to love you, and you hope I'll be a good sport.

I won't be, but I really don't want you.

"What?" I asked, and if my voice is harsh and tense, so be it, but if it's as scared and hurt as it sounded, I'm sure to look like an idiot.

You shuffle your feet, turning your gaze away from me, a blush on your face.

"I've been thinking about what you said a few months ago," You pause, as if you think I need time to remember. "And I've realized that I might actually like you too."

_"You lied to me, but I'm older now,_

_and I'm not buying, baby."_

I only stare, but I'm not surprised.

I nod, and for a moment, I think you're going to walk away, but you only bend your knees, bringing yourself to my eye-level. Your face inches closer, and your pale pink lips are almost touching my own.

"What took you so long?" I asked, and I almost smiled at my knack for ruining the moment.

Your stare leaves mine once more, and now you're glaring at the ground.

"..I don't know." You whisper.

Of course.

_"Demanding my response, Don't_

_bother breaking the door down. _

_I found my way out._

_And You'll never hurt me again."_

You're sliding closer, trying so hard to get that kiss, and I move my head away.

You only stare, confusion written across your beautiful features.

"You know, " I purr, running a hand over the silky skin of your face. "I think you might have just waited a little too long."

And with that, I bring myself forward, grasping your vanilla flavored lips within my own.

Because afterall, love is a word you say loosely.

It's a lie you only spew to lessen someone's pain.

--

A/N: I like angst, and I like kyoxharu, and I bet everything who's followed my stories is wondering why the _hell _I'm always making Haru such an asshole. Don't worry, I don't actually think he is or anything, Haru's super sweet, but I really can't imagine anything in Kyo's life going perfectly.

Even without Akito, I still think he'd have a hard time with love and feeling like he _deserved_ to be loved.

And since kyoxharu is my favorite pairing, the couple has to suffer for it.

This is a sequal-type-story to my drabble _'Vagary', _by the way, even if I'll only mention it here.


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